Follow that Beat?

It’s just after 5pm on your average workday and I’m walking back to my car after a day at the office.  That’s when I hear “Ignition (Remix)” by R. Kelly BLASTING from a few floors above me in the parking deck. 

It is clear something is going on up there. This parking deck is practically empty, yet this timeless anthem from R. Kelly’s album Chocolate Factory is booming from what has to be a professional sound system.

I’m about to get in my car to drive home, but I’m honestly torn.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Should I go straight home, as planned? 

Or.

Should I follow that beat? Should I go up there and see what’s going on?

What if…

I follow that beat and it leads to the top deck of the parking garage where there’s a huge dance party going on. It must be hosted by some other company that shares our building. I don’t know anyone there, but AS YOU KNOW “Ignition” is just one of those songs, and I simply can’t help myself but to start dancing.  

And what if…

I start dancing. Then the DJ calls me on stage of the parking lot party and suddenly everyone is copying my dance moves. We dance for hours like this and the crowd is totally feeling it. It’s like I’m Richard Simmons up there on stage and everyone else in the office parking deck is Sweatin’ to the Oldies.

And what if…

We dance all night like this, me and these corporate strangers. The DJ and I naturally strike up a friendship and he says he really REALLY likes my vibe and he needs me to bring my unique brand of funk to his next gig.

And what if…

It turns out his next DJ gig is in Ibiza. I can’t say no to that, and what I have going on this weekend isn’t anything that can’t be rescheduled. So, I say yes. Why not go with this friendly DJ on an all-expenses paid jaunt to Ibiza?

And what if…

We take a stretch Navigator to the airport to board the plane and Nancy Meyers and Rachel Zoe happen to be on the same chartered flight.  Turns out they are dear old friends with the DJ and the three of them made a pact never to go to Ibiza without each other.  The plane is FULL of gorgeous clothes.  Rachel styles me from head to toe and I look AMAZING.  “Keep ALL the clothes,” she tells me. Nancy Meyers and I get to chatting and she says she’s filming her next movie in Atlanta.  She offers to renovate our kitchen in exchange for filming a few scenes at my house.  I happily oblige.

And what if…

We all roll up to the gig in Ibiza and it’s clear that the DJ really downplayed how star-studded this event was going to be.  The second I walk in the door, Ina Garten hands me a glass of Cristal and Jeffery and I cheers. There is food everywhere, this party is catered. Waiters are passing trays of sushi and lobster tails, and Christian Bale and I lock eyes when we reach for the same bacon-wrapped scallop. On my left, David Blaine is doing street magic on Lin-Manuel Miranda and the LA Lakers, and on the right, the entire casts of Little Women (1994 and 2019) are gathered by the chocolate fountain. When the DJ starts his set, we all make our way to the dancefloor.

And what if…

The DJ is playing all the hits and the dancefloor. is. hot. The crowd forms two dance lines, Soul Train style. When it’s my turn, Bruno Mars and I are paired up and we are completely in sync when we dance down the line. Then Bruno and I have a dance-off. I win. I’m doing dance moves even Beyoncé hadn’t considered, so she plugs her number in my phone and says that I HAVE to join her in Aspen for New Year’s Eve. She sees the background pic on my iPhone, the one of my three children, and that’s when we realize that our kids are the same age. “Bring the whole family” she says. “Blue Ivy and the twins would love to have some friends to play with après ski.”

And what if…

The DJ plays “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” and LeBron James lifts me up Swayze style.  And from my vantage point up there, I see the members of the band formerly known as One Direction scattered about the room.  We all know that there must have been some major falling out when they decided to each pursue their solo careers. 

And what if…

I round up Harry, Zayn, Liam, Niall and the other guy who probably sells insurance now and I say, “come on boys, let’s go sort this out.” They reluctantly agree and we find a quiet corner away from the crowd to talk it out. Upon my urging, they are finally saying the things they’ve always wanted to say, but have never been able to. Now we are all hugging and crying and singing an acapella version of “Story of my Life.” My voice harmonizes perfectly with their sound.  Then they start singing “What Makes You Beautiful” to ME. They know I’m happily married, but even married ladies appreciate being adored by handsome young pop stars.  Now the whole band is back together.  I immediately hop on a zoom call with Noel and Liam Gallagher and mend things up there as well.

And what if…

Oprah witnesses my dancing and though she is impressed, what really gets her attention is the restorative work I just facilitated between the members of Oasis and One Direction.  What I know for sure is that Oprah truly loves redemption stories and is passionate about the power of forgiveness.  She tells me that she wants to add ME to her list of favorite things this year.  “You HAVE to come to the afterparty!” she insists. “Gayle will be there, and we have been looking for someone new to add to our friend group.”  She can be very persistent so of course I say yes.

But.

What if…

The afterparty is on a yacht. 

A yacht.

Now that just isn’t going to work for me. Unfortunately, I get REALLY seasick.  Even on large fancy boats. Even in the crystal clear waters of the Mediterranean Sea off the coast of Ibiza.

…

So, I guess I shouldn’t go up there to see why, exactly “Ignition (Remix)” is playing so loudly in the parking deck today. I don’t think I should follow that beat after all.

It’s probably best if I just head straight home.