If You Want This Choice Position

For Christmas this year, I’m asking for the perfect Nanny for my three children.  In January, I am starting a new job at a new company that I am super excited about. BUT! We have less than three weeks to find our very own Mary Poppins. Let me give you a breakdown of the nanny hunt thus far. 

Step 1: Emailed all my friends asking if anyone knew anyone who knew someone who knew someone. A direct referral would be ideal. (net: one candidate)

Step 2: Put an ad on SitterCity, AKA Nanny Tinder.  (I got dozens of responses. some scary. some qualified. pretty hard to tell what’s what. )

Step 3: Put a post up on the local moms’ Facebook groups. (two leads)

Steps 4-8: Conducted phone interviews, face-to-face interviews, working interviews, contacted references, stalked Instagrams, and ran background checks. Thus, filling every nook and cranny in the already CRAZY month of December with nanny chatter.

Step 9: Lost excessive amounts of sleep wondering which one is the RIGHT one.  (Still not sure.)

Step 10: Drafted an annotated version of the letter written by Jane and Michael Banks that manifested into Mary Poppins. The bold words below are my personal requirements and wishes. I’m hopeful that by writing this down and putting it on the internet, our magical dream nanny will appear.

Before we begin, here is the video of the Banks children singing their nanny song to freshen your memory.

Wanted a nanny for two  three adorable, spunky, smart, kind, creative, clever children

If you want this choice position—so far I have held this position unpaid so perhaps a paid gig is choice? These are the most important people in the world to me and you will be spending a lot of time with them. So this job is a huge deal and we are taking choosing the person for this choice position quite seriously.

Have a cheery disposition.  Yes. I want my children to want to be with you.  I want you to blend naturally with our happy family.

Rosy cheeks, no warts!  Appearance isn’t everything but it does count for something. Being put together shows you care. One of many data points.

Play games, all sort.   We love games.  Play games with them but DO NOT let them win (or cheat).  One day we will release them into the Real World and they need to know how to win fairly and lose gracefully. 

You must be kind, you must be witty. Yes yes.  A good sense of humor is key.

Very sweet and fairly pretty.  Fairly is the right word.  Pretty but not too pretty.  I have been reading US Weekly way too long to know how that story ends. The hot nanny didn’t do great things for the marriages of Jude Law, Ben Affleck, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Why play with fire? Amiright, ladies?  A 7 out of 10 would be just fine.

Take us on outings, give us treats. Take them on lots of outings (particularly to the places I don’t want to go) like the Aquarium, the Planetarium, and the germ-ridden bouncy house place.

Sing songs, bring sweets.  We love music so play the hits and dance, dance, dance. Sweets and treats are fine, in moderation.

Never be cross or cruel.  But don’t get walked over. They are crafty. Earn their love and their respect.

Never give us castor oil or gruel. But mandate that they eat all their vegetables if they want dessert.  Make them brush their teeth.

Love us as a son and daughter. Yes. Please please please LOVE my children. Get to know each of them individually.  Figure out the ways they feel loved, and celebrate and appreciate and adore them.

And never smell of barley water.  Good hygiene is key. Smokers need not apply.

If you won’t scold and dominate us. They will need scolding from time to time. Let’s try to be on the same team as far as discipline. Because it will be needed.

We will never give you cause to hate us.  Though they might test your patience and push the limits, they really are fantastic.

We won’t hide your spectacles  So you can’t see  (But they might throw minor tantrums when the Elsa dress needs to be forcibly removed.)

Put toads in your bed  Or pepper in your tea.  (But they will squabble over who gets which colored cup, who gets the map placemat, and cut one piece of paper into amillion little pieces that you will find all over the house)

Hurry, Nanny!  LIKE SERIOUSLY. On a deadline.

Many thanks.

Sincerely,

Jane and Michael Banks   Jennifer

Let’s go fly a kite.