What (not) to Wear

I was honored to be asked to be in a wedding by a longtime sisterfriend. As far as attire goes, my assignment was simple enough: look dazzling in a formal long black dress. Yes, simple enough for the non-pregnant. But for this girl who is three short weeks from her due date, looking dazzling in anything-and procuring said long black dress posed a bit of a challenge, especially given my self-imposed $60 budget and the fact that I have waited till the very last minute to find the dress.

You see, I KNOW this is something I will only wear once so I was hesitant to spend real money on the dress. Well-made and borderline cute maternity clothes are definitely out there, but man are they expensive. Since I’m no Kardashian, I did an internet search for a lower-end option. All the internet came up with was the “Maternity Prom” section of a number of retailers like 9 Lover, Best Plus Size Dresses and David’s Bridal, all full of tacky taffeta nightmares. Not a chance.

So I sent an email to my friends who have found themselves in a family way, asking if while they were pregnant, they had purchased a black tie black maternity ball gown that they would be willing to let me borrow. No luck-none of those girls had a dress to fit the bill.

Back to the worldwide web. I’ve heard of Rent the Runway so I crossed my swollen fingers that there was a maternity equivalent: a place online where for far less than retail, you can rent a designer dress for your occasion. Aaaaand Jackpot! It seems I’m not the only one with a post-conception clothing conundrum. RentMaternityWear.com, Belly Bump Boutique, Borrow for your Bump and Mine for Nine all seem to be legit operations catering to the frugal yet fissionable mom-to-be. Formal long black dresses were still scarce, but I found the best of the bad options and placed my order. Thirty-six dollars later, my rental gown is in the mail, hopefully scheduled to arrive by the time the wedding bells chime this Saturday.

Without further ado, here she is, the Grand Prize Winner:

I’m hoping for a happy ending to this tailored tale, but I’m nervous about two things:

1. It won’t fit. Unlike some of the rental sites, Borrow for Your Bump only sends you one size-and these days my size is increasing by the day. (Doctor’s orders! It is the only time that medical community actually celebrates the fact that the numbers inch their way up on a weekly basis. I’m embracing it. Yumm. Nachos. ) I’m just hoping I guesstimated/forecasted my size correctly.
2. The other x factor of this particular dress is the length. Does that look short to you? Chances are it will hit somewhere between my knees and my cankles. Not a flattering length on anyone.

Since I like to live on the edge, there is no plan B. I’m rocking my rental in the wedding no matter what-even if it is too tight and tea length. And if it does, somehow, miraculously make me look and feel like a pregnant prom queen instead of a side-show-attraction, I will definitely be wearing it more than once. I don’t have to send it back for 30 days! I’ll give myself a black tie dress code between now and delivery. I may even wear it to the hospital when I go into labor.*

*Dry cleaning was included.